A terrible thing has happened. The United States has caught the football bug.
I suppose it was only a matter of time before the US turned its over-zealous attentions towards soccer. Under normal circumstances this would be commended – a “non-footballing” nation swapping jockstraps and Gatorade for shin-pads and Nandos – but in their attempts to bring football into the US sporting mainstream, America has somewhat missed the mark. What they’ve created is still “football” by enlarge, but it’s football’s illegitimate, Hollywood cousin; bred out of wedlock with the Monster Truck Derby.
Where to begin?
What has spawned across the pond* is a media environment in which it is wholly acceptable for a commentator to yell “RELEASE THE KRAKEN” on live TV, having been overly-stimulated by a thundering free-kick (see here). This is in flagrant disregard to the art of subtlety and understatement prescribed to by the Martin Tyler School of British Commentary. Indeed, this one commentating absurdity is matched, or perhaps even exceeded, by my own personal favourite: “It’s hit with no regard for humanity!” – referring to Carli Lloyd’s wonder-strike for the US women’s national team (see here).
If you’re over on State-side, then you’re probably stuck with NBC or Fox’s coverage of the Premier League (or “the E.P.L” *shudder*). The razor-sharp half-time analysis is usually left to retired titans of the game including Robbie Earle, Warren Barton and Brian McBride, which makes for exhilarating insight. You may even have picked up in the news this past week that at the press conference unveiling Bastian Schweinsteiger as Chicago Fire’s latest signing, Bastian was asked by a bungling US sports reporter whether he believed his arrival now meant Chicago Fire had a good shot at winning the World Cup (see here). Need we say more.
At the very least, the US is working hard to develop a respectable domestic competition. However, note with caution that the league itself is referred to strictly as “Major League Soccer” or “MLS”, but never “the MLS”. Never. This type of blasphemy will be met with derision and ridicule from hardened MLS fans. To use it in a sentence – “Steven Gerrard didn’t look particularly out of place in MLS”. This nominative peculiarity is, in itself, stomach churning. There is a special irony to the fact that “Major League Soccer” is a competition in which Bradley Wright-Phillips (a man caught stealing handbags in his youth days at Southampton with Nathan Dyer) is respected as one of the greatest players to have ever graced the tournament.
For months we watched a vacancy form behind poor Frank Lampard’s eyes as he was forced time and again to play in front of a whooping NYFC crowd of Bud-Light enthusiasts, on a football pitch crammed into the triangular dimensions of the Yankee baseball stadium. This marks nothing less than one of the greatest sporting / architectural war crimes of our generation. We await to hear the success of David Beckham’s much-trumpeted establishment of a Miami team (“Miami Beckham”), currently held up due to its own lack of an appropriate stadium. Taking a leaf out of NYFC’s book, Miami’s community dodgeball courts are starting to look more appealing by the day.
And now of course we have new “franchises” popping-up across America like branches of McDonald’s, all eager for a slice of the soccer pie. This season saw MLS newcomers ‘Atlanta United’ join the Eastern Conference – a team complete with its very own terrifying group of hardcore fans issuing blood-curdling threats that you “better shut your mouths” otherwise you risk being “stomped out” (see here). Pray the Russian hooligans are never unfortunate enough to run into these chaps at the next World Cup. And if those maniacs aren’t enough to convince you that US soccer hooligans mean serious business, then LA Galaxy’s resident crowd-MC will be sure to make your blood run cold (see here). MC Galaxy does much to further the seemingly rife US tradition of confusing the name of the arena the sport should actually be played in – this time plumping for ‘dojo’.
Finally, to address the bald eagle in the room, we get to “Soccer”. The US has thrown the terminology rulebook out the window when it comes to assigning this sport a logical name – believing the term “football” is best reserved for a more hand-based pastime. Of course, it is an etymological myth that the Americans came up with the word “soccer” themselves. This was our doing. The word stems from a late 19th century English shortening of the full name of the game: “Association Football” – “Assoc.” – “Soccer”. But whilst “soccer” left British lexicon many moons ago (its residual purpose no more than a drôle synonym), so it caught on in the States for good. It shall remain un-displaced until the nuclear holocaust. Much like Arsene Wenger.
‘Merica.
One Man Kick Off 